For Couples

Healthy Relationships: How to Support Without Trying to “Fix”

Written by Yara Awit, MA, LLP

 

In relationships, it’s natural to want to help your partner when they’re struggling. However, there’s a fine line between being supportive and trying to “fix” their problems. While the intention to help usually comes from the right place, the approach can sometimes be counterproductive, creating tension or even co-dependency. This article explores the importance of mutual support in relationships; the difference between being supportive vs. trying to fix your partner and offers tips on how to provide emotional support without overstepping boundaries.

Mutual support is the bedrock of any strong relationship. It’s like being each other’s personal cheerleaders, offering encouragement and understanding when needed. When both partners feel supported, they’re more likely to tackle life’s challenges together with confidence. This kind of support isn’t about solving each other’s problems, but about standing by each other and empowering one another. It’s like having a personal hype squad that boosts your confidence and helps you face difficulties without turning into a problem-fixer. The real magic happens when both partners feel equally valued and understood, creating a partnership built on respect and empathy.

“The real magic happens when both partners feel equally valued and understood, creating a partnership built on respect and empathy”.

Understanding the difference between supportive and fixing behavior is key to maintaining a healthy relationship. Supportive behavior involves listening, empathizing, encouraging, and offering help only when asked. For example, when your partner shares a problem, you might listen attentively, show empathy, offer words of encouragement, and respect their autonomy by waiting for them to ask for advice.

In contrast, fixing behavior can be counterproductive and harmful to the relationship. It may include actions like giving unsolicited advice, taking over, minimizing feelings, and controlling the outcome. For example, immediately suggesting ways to solve their problem before they have asked for help can make your partner feel unheard and undervalued. Behaviors such as making calls, setting appointments, or taking actions on their behalf without their consent can undermine their autonomy and may lead to dependency. Additionally, minimizing their feelings by focusing solely on solutions can be dismissive. Phrases such as “don’t worry about it, just do this…” may seem helpful, but can disregard their emotional experience. Finally, trying to control the outcome by insisting they follow your advice or plans, rather than letting them decide their course of action, can create resentment and frustration.

Attempting to fix your partner’s problems can be harmful because it undermines their autonomy, stifles their growth, and can create resentment. They might feel inadequate and/or dependent on you, and this could even affect their self-esteem. Personal growth comes from facing and overcoming challenges independently, so fixing behavior can prevent them from using their problem-solving skills and learning from experiences. Moreover, they might feel that you don’t trust their judgment or abilities, which can strain the relationship. With both partners focusing on supportive behaviors and avoiding the urge to fix, you can foster a relationship where both individuals feel valued and empowered.

When it comes to supporting your partner, sometimes the best approach is to let them know you’re there without turning into a problem-solving machine. Start by practicing active listening. Think of it like being a really attentive audience member at a concert. Nod, make eye contact, and resist the urge to shout out solutions from the front row. Remember, this isn’t a talent show where the quickest fix wins you a trophy.

Next, channel your inner empathy guru. Show that you really get where they’re coming from with phrases like, “I can see why you’d feel that way,” or “It’s okay to feel upset about this.” Skip the classic “At least it’s not worse” line—no one needs a silver lining right now, just a genuine ear. Imagine how you’d feel if someone told you to cheer up while you were in the middle of a tough day.

Encouragement is key, so cheer them on like they’re in the final lap of a marathon. Tell them, “You’ve got this!” or “I believe in you!” but remember, this isn’t a race. Personal breakthroughs take time, so be patient and don’t rush them like you’re trying to get through a fast-food drive-thru.

Instead of trying to mind-read their needs (which, let’s face it, is about as effective as guessing the plot of a movie from its trailer), just ask, “How can I support you right now?” or “What do you need from me?” They might want space, a sounding board, or just someone to bring them snacks. Whatever it is, respect their answer—no superhero moves required.

Finally, set and respect boundaries like you’re following a well-drawn map. Discuss what’s comfortable for both of you and stick to it. If they need space, give it to them, and communicate your own boundaries clearly. After all, the goal is to support them without overstepping, not to crash their emotional party.

Mutual support is essential for building strong, healthy relationships. By understanding the difference between supporting and fixing, and implementing these tips, you can provide emotional support to your partner without overstepping boundaries. This approach fosters a loving and empowering environment where both partners can thrive and grow together.