Strategies for Effective Co-Parenting
Transitions Between 2 Homes
Healthy Tips for Healthy Co-Parents
Children’s adaptability to new situations and environments should be fostered during their development. Meeting new people, going to new places, and becoming comfortable being uncomfortable all help develop confidence as they work toward independence. This holds true as children navigate the feelings around moving from one house to another, but there are ways to make the changes less difficult and use these changes to better prepare the children for a time when they navigate the world on their own.
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Prioritize the Child’s comfort and emotional needs.
One of the first things to remember when looking at best transition practices is the child. It seems simple enough, but often assumptions become facts in custody agreements. Parenting plans often require children to be shuffled between houses every 2-3 days on a rotating 2-2-3 weekly plan. This may work for your child and family, but each switch is another transition your child will need to navigate. Limiting transitions between houses may work best for your family, even with young children. A parent not wanting to go a week without seeing their child is understandable, and children may or may not feel the same. Watch and see how difficult transition days, or the day(s) leading up to transitions become for the child to determine if more or fewer transitions work best. You and your co-parent may change your custody/parenting plan at any time if you both agree to the changes but remember to file the changes with the friend of the court. Some parents use a set 2-2-3 to keep the transitions easier to follow for the children when it comes to activities and plans with friends.
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Recognize your child’s difficulty level with transitions
How do you know if your child finds transitions difficult? Look for changes in behavior in the day/hours leading up to the transition. Do they display more clingy behavior? Or difficulty with tasks that they easily accomplish on other days (such as putting away their things, or tying their shoes)? Do they verbally change their way of talking about this house or parent, or the other house or parent? Children naturally transition, some more obviously than others. Their behavior in coming back or going to the other parents house should not be interpreted as a commentary on the environment at the other home. Transitions affect every child differently, and transitions between parental households are not exclusively the issue. Some children face difficulty transitioning to school, church, a friends, or a grandparents. This is a natural occurrence that offers a wonderful opportunity to teach your child about their emotions.
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Acknowledge that feelings about transitions happen.
If your child exhibits some transitional experience acknowledge the issue. “I hear you talking about Mom/Dad’s house/home in a negative way” or “You seem to be having a hard time tying your shoes today, buddy” or “I love all these extra cuddles”. Whatever the behavior, know that your household expectations should still be met (no hitting your brother), but with understanding and compassion. If you and your kiddo(s) already have an emotional vocabulary this is a great time to use it. Check in to see how they feel. How does their body feel? Do they recognize this feeling or just a general sense of something going on? If you need to work on an emotional vocabulary, there are fantastic age-appropriate books (just ask your librarian) as well as printables and websites. If you feel uncomfortable with this step, don’t worry, there are so many other ways to help them.
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Set rituals to ensure that as much of the transition as possible is consistent and comfortable.
Part of the discomfort of transitional times comes from the unknown. We all have feelings facing the unknown. Maintaining a ritual at transitions gives everyone (parents and children) comfort, as they know what to expect. If at all possible, drop off your child with the other parent. This avoids “taking” the child away from the other parent, and instead (with good prep) reinforces the feeling that you know your child is safe and loved at the other parents’ house. Letting your child know that you love them and miss them while they stay at mom or dads should be expressed, followed by an expression of joy that they get to spend time with their other parent, as well. “I am sure going to miss you for the next 3 days, but I know you’re going to get so many cuddles from mom this weekend”. Reassure your child that you value the relationship with their other parent and acknowledge specific things that the other parent does well for the child(ren).
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Allow space for the transition.
When your child(ren) get dropped off, your support of their transition should be tailored to their needs. Sometimes a half hour of vegging on the couch watching TV while cuddling (or not) allows them to readjust to your home. Some kiddos prefer to go into their room and settle in with the items they transitioned with. Some want to talk your ear off, and others need space. All of these situations (and your unique situation) should be regarded as healthy and not a judgement of how much they love you or the other parent. This readjustment period becomes harder for parents who have missed their child and just want to reconnect. Parents often feel rejected, unloved, or concerned about what the other parent is saying about them to make the child act this way. Consistently taking the time to step back and allow the child to readjust to the home in a healthy way creates an expectation of understanding that children grow to recognize.
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Let go of the other parent’s home
When your child expresses the differences they experience at their other home help them accept that two things can exist at once. This is much harder with younger children, but still can be accomplished. Maybe the other home makes them go to bed earlier, or lets them stay up later, makes them eat veggies, or doesn’t give them an allowance. Letting your child know that those things are not bad for them, and just a different set of expectations will help your child transition. “(Other parent) and I have expectations that fit our houses, our lives, and our families. It’s ok to have different ideas. Some people like staying up late, and some like getting up early. (Other parent) does what works best for your family at their house and we just do things differently here.” Teaching children that different expectations and experiences are reasonable works well not just as they grow up in two households, but as they mature and explore the various cultures of the world.
Below are some additional articles on transitions for co-parenting, and just teaching children about transitions in general. No matter what routines, or schedule, you and your co-parent choose the priority is your children’s emotional well-being. It’s second nature to “protect” our children from “things” but teaching them to deal with “things” serves them throughout their lives. Provide them with a place of support, understanding, and safety as they learn to identify, regulate, and engage with their emotions.
https://www.ourfamilywizard.com/blog/7-ways-help-your-kids-live-happily-two-houses
https://www.focusonthefamily.com/parenting/helping-kids-adjust-to-rules-in-two-different-homes/
https://karensbonnell.com/helping-kids-with-transitions-between-homes/